I am going to finally be writing on here again. I had to take a break from really venting my personal issues via the internet, not because I am shy or anything but I was too worried about finding solace in others before I found it in myself. Now, I am back and in a more well rounded version of myself needing to write, write, and write some more.
With you, I think I was the closest to ever feeling that “I’m safe” feeling in a relationship. As hard as the first months were, the months after it, made it all worth it. All the tears, the pain, the jealousy, the worrying, all was down the drain when I finally kissed you when I made it to VA. That week for me showed me all I wanted in a relationship. I wanted to make food, watch movies, pass out of the couch, the simple shit. Waiting for you to get off work, and driving around with your friends. I don’t think I can ever forget how it felt to wake up and you were by my side. The way I could feel your heart beat when I rested my head on your chest. Nothing was better than turning over at night and glancing at you as you slept. Everything about that week was perfect. I remember getting on the bus back toward NYC and just crying and crying. I never wanted to leave. As great as I felt with you, I sort of knew it wasn’t going to be able to work anytime soon, or ever. I want to try again, I do, but I am not sure if thats what I should be doing. Maybe this all blew up for a reason. Maybe I need to look at other options. I don’t know, I just can’t say I know I am emotionally strong enough for another let down with you.
I can easily say I have never had a relationship were I just felt comfortable in, or felt like the feelings in it were one hundred percent mutual and I didn’t have to feel like I needed to put extra effort into it to keep it going. No, I will not sit here and blame the whole male race for “sucking” or anything like that. I know for a fact that good men do exist I won’t ever be THAT girl. The girl who always prances around saying “Oh, there just isn’t good men out there” or “I don’t see why I am single I am a catch and a half”. That’s just simply not my thing, I for one know I can be a pain in the ass in a relationship I won’t lie. I get jealous, I worry, and I might seem clingy, but when I say I have the best intentions, I mean it. As much as I know I am a great person, I don’t think people stick around to really see it. They get what they want from me, whatever it may be, and they leave. Maybe I should put a wall up, just a little. Maybe I let people into my heart before they earn their spot there. Maybe I am emotionally easy. I AM A EMOTIONAL SLUT. I give my feelings up too soon. Hahah. I just coined a new phrase, awww shit. No but back to what I was originally saying, I think that’s why I don’t ever get the date or the man/girl. I don’t put up a hard enough challenge. I just don’t know how to be “challenging” cause I am sure honest and blunt in every since of my being that it would almost feel hypocritical to hold back. Like I’d be lying. Don’t get me wrong, I am not ranting cause I am bitter I am alone. Being alone taught me a lot about myself. I am also not the single girl who’s life revolves around finding the one, cause I really am very patient over this all. I rather wait years for the right one, than chase down every guy I see like who might we name? *cough* Taylor Swift *cough*. I sort of feel bad for her, I really do. As insecure and emotional wreck I am, I can easily say I am not insecure enough where I NEED that other person by my side. So when girls like her come around I feel bad cause you have to feel so bad being on your own you are constantly chasing down Prince Charming in every male that looks your way even if they clearly don’t deserve any of your time. I don’t know where I am going with this post, so I’ll end it here. I just am trying to figure out what I have to tweak about myself to make me the girl people want to bring home to momma.
I would write something else but I am just blah right now because in two days it will be the five month anniversary of my dog passing. Please, don’t bother telling me it was “just a dog” because I will have to punch you directly in the face. He was my best friend, sure he had four legs and had no idea what I was saying, but that didn’t make a difference to me. In all honesty, I never really had friends until my junior or senior year, but I always had my dog. He was always around to talk to, to play with or just lay on the floor next to. When he passed away I don’t think anyone really grasped how heart broken I was, still am over it. I really have a hard time with change, I don’t know where that began, but I really just don’t like change. So when I came home to him being gone, and his food dish his water dish and his bed weren’t around, a piece of me broke. I guess I just felt guilty for leaving when he passed, like I should of been there for him, like he was there for me. Like I let him down. it was just hard knowing I was in New York smiling and fooling around when he took his last breaths and passed away. It was hard knowing my last words to him where “Be home when I get home” and I came home to him being gone. It’s even hard to wear black and not has his fur all over me when I leave the house. It’s hard hearing my brother say “I don’t want a new dog, I just want Jack back”.
It’s just really fucking hard.
& I really wish I had been able to bury him in my back yard so I could be by him.
I am not sure if you ever heard the song “The Fear” by Ben Howard, but you should probably listen to it before reading this post.
I strolled across this song a week or so ago, and it was like, my whole life sort of clicked in the four minutes and twenty-two seconds it played through. It was like I finally realized what was wrong, I have been afraid for most of my life, and not the I-am-nineteen-and-still-afraid-of-the-dark kind of afraid, but perpetually afraid to take the next step kind of fear. No matter what I have started, I have at some point hit a wall that I have been hesitant to climb. I have been constantly scared of finding out what comes next in pretty much every aspect of my life.
I don’t know what happened exactly to cause this fear of continuing what I start, but it has to stop. I think everyone needs to really look at their fears, and figure out if its rational anymore to even have these fears. People need to stop worrying so much about what others say or do, and start worrying about themselves. That might sound selfish, but at some point you need to put your wants and needs first. You won’t ever move forward if you put yourself last.
- You want to feel pretty? Stop listening to people who try to govern what pretty is, and figure out what pretty means to you. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, and to love the skin your in, as cheesy as that sounds.
- You want to go to a certain college? Work for it, and don’t be afraid to fail. Everyone fails, its just how you handle yourself when you do.
- You want to play a sport you never played before? Go out there and give it your all. Yes you might trip and fall, but get back up. People aren’t born champions, they fight to become one.
Honestly, all I want you to get out of this is to let go of fears that have been holding you back from what you want. It’s going to be scary, but it’ll be worth it.
“I will become what I deserve”