Confidence.

For added affect Play This while you read.

People are like snowflakes, we all come completely different, even twins so don’t try to be a smart ass. Whether it be our looks that set us apart or our personality, we are all our own people. The one thing that we should have in common, which sadly we don’t is the fact we all should be confident in ourselves. Unfortunately, society is pretty much made to bring us all down. You are unique, its weird, if you fit in, your are boring. There is no comfortable middle gourd in society, so you have to find your own middle ground where you are happy with who you are as a person. You have to find a way so when you look into a mirror you are happy with what you see in the reflection that is in front of you. Don’t feel discouraged if people start to put you down more you feel comfortable with yourself, that’s going to happen because people who are insecure get threatened by those who are confident. Don’t stress what people say to you cause at the end of the day the only opinion that matters is your own.

I went through 5th grade in elementary school all the way until my senior year getting bullied, pretty much too many years I had to put up with it. My self esteem was shattered, I was depressed and I contemplated suicide more than once. I would cry myself to sleep most nights, and looking into a mirror was a constant reminder of why I felt so low. I got called the greaser in the 8th grade by a girl who was once my best friend, my freshman year I was called the freak, sophomore year there wasn’t a name I wasn’t called, my junior year I told I looked like a horse and my senior year I had heard a girl say I was better off dead cause it’s not like anyone would marry my ugly ass. So let’s just say I have gone through enough bullying that left psychical as well as mental scars, but I didn’t let that stop me from trying to find my happiness. It took me a while, being out of high school helped a ton, and I just made sure I didn’t focus on the negativity and more on the positive. For once I had a real best friend, Nesma, and she is the absolute greatest person I know. She makes me smile and laugh, and I can be myself with her. I could never thank her enough cause this past year she really has been a huge help, without her knowledge, in me finding my confidence. I let go of everyone that ever brought me down, even in the littlest bit, because I needed to let go of the people who ever made me feel less than who I am. I am a awesome person, and I know it, but sometimes its hard to believe¬†it.

As cheesy as it sounds what helped me a lot was staring into the mirror, I had to finally become comfortable with my own reflection. After years of being bullied, and hating myself, my view of what I looked like was so distorted and twisted, I honestly didn’t really know how I looked. I know that sounds ridiculous, how can someone not know what they look like? Well if you, for years, heard that your nose was too big, or your face was too greasy, thats all you see. You miss the fact your lips are smooth, and your eyes have a glow to them, you miss what sets you apart because you are so focused on what people said to be “ugly”. I honestly felt like I had BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), I am not sure if I didn’t have it. When I looked into a mirror I physically could not see what people were saying was pretty. It was frustrating, because a compliment wasn’t a compliment to me. When someone called me beautiful, it upset me more than it did anything else, because I couldn’t see it. I just couldn’t see it, no matter how hard I had tried. Lately, I have started figuring out what I think is pretty, yes I still see flaws, but I see beauty too. I don’t think confidence is thinking you are the shit and nothing is wrong, but being to accept your flaws as well as being able to say you do in fact have something that makes you beautiful.

If you are feeling down, don’t let you bad days ruin you, don’t let those bad days destroy your self esteem. Except them, but when the day is over, thinking badly about yourself has to be over as well. If you have to write “You are beautiful” on your mirror so when you look into it you have a reminder, do it. Do whatever you think you need to if you think it will help you find your confidence. While you are finding your confidence, help others find theirs. I found being nice to other people helped me feel good about myself as well. Plus, you never know who needs to hear that they are beautiful. & If someone is clearly showing they are upset or hurt, reach out to them, even if you aren’t close. You never know who might need a ear to listen to them, and a simple compliment to boost their day.

“We are beautiful no matter what they say, yes words won’t bring us down. We are beautiful in every single way.” ‚̧

I miss my best friend.

I would write something else but I am just blah right now because in two days it will be the five month anniversary of my dog passing. Please, don’t bother telling me it was “just a dog” because I will have to punch you directly in the face. He was my best friend, sure he had four legs and had no idea what I was saying, but that didn’t make a difference to me. In all honesty, I never really had friends until my junior or senior year, but I always had my dog. He was always around to talk to, to play with or just lay on the floor next to. When he passed away I don’t think anyone really grasped how heart broken I was, still am over it. I really have a hard time with change, I don’t know where that began, but I really just don’t like change. So when I came home to him being gone, and his food dish his water dish and his bed weren’t around, a piece of me broke. I guess I just felt guilty for leaving when he passed, like I should of been there for him, like he was there for me. Like I let him down. it was just hard knowing I was in New York smiling and fooling around when he took his last breaths and passed away. It was hard knowing my last words to him where “Be home when I get home” and I came home to him being gone. It’s even hard to wear black and not has his fur all over me when I leave the house. It’s hard hearing my brother say “I don’t want a new dog, I just want Jack back”.

It’s just really fucking hard.

& I really wish I had been able to bury him in my back yard so I could be by him.

Jack

Jack

I’ve been missing you.

The Fear.

I am not sure if you ever heard the song “The Fear” by Ben Howard, but you should probably listen to it before reading this post.

LISTEN HERE

I strolled across this song a week or so ago, and it was like, my whole life sort of clicked in the four minutes and twenty-two seconds it played through. It was like I finally realized what was wrong, I have been afraid for most of my life, and not the I-am-nineteen-and-still-afraid-of-the-dark kind of afraid, but perpetually afraid to take the next step kind of fear. No matter what I have started, I have at some point hit a wall that I have been hesitant to climb. I have been constantly scared of finding out what comes next in pretty much every aspect of my life.

I don’t know what happened exactly to cause this fear of continuing what I start, but it has to stop. I think everyone needs to really look at their fears, and figure out if its rational anymore to even have these fears. People need to stop worrying so much about what others say or do, and start worrying about themselves. That might sound selfish, but at some point you need to put your wants and needs first. You won’t ever move forward if you put yourself last.

  • You want to feel pretty? Stop listening to people who try to govern what pretty is, and figure out what pretty means to you. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, and to love the skin your in, as cheesy as that sounds.
  • You want to go to a certain college? Work for it, and don’t be afraid to fail. Everyone fails, its just how you handle yourself when you do.
  • You want to play a sport you never played before? Go out there and give it your all. Yes you might trip and fall, but get back up. People aren’t born champions, they fight to become one.

Honestly, all I want you to get out of this is to let go of fears that have been holding you back from what you want. It’s going to be scary, but it’ll be worth it.

“I will become what I deserve”