You were the closest to heaven I’ll ever be.

With you, I think I was the closest to ever feeling that “I’m safe” feeling in a relationship. As hard as the first months were, the months after it, made it all worth it. All the tears, the pain, the jealousy, the worrying, all was down the drain when I finally kissed you when I made it to VA. That week for me showed me all I wanted in a relationship. I wanted to make food, watch movies, pass out of the couch, the simple shit. Waiting for you to get off work, and driving around with your friends. I don’t think I can ever forget how it felt to wake up and you were by my side. The way I could feel your heart beat when I rested my head on your chest. Nothing was better than turning over at night and glancing at you as you slept. Everything about that week was perfect. I remember getting on the bus back toward NYC and just crying and crying. I never wanted to leave. As great as I felt with you, I sort of knew it wasn’t going to be able to work anytime soon, or ever. I want to try again, I do, but I am not sure if thats what I should be doing. Maybe this all blew up for a reason. Maybe I need to look at other options. I don’t know, I just can’t say I know I am emotionally strong enough for another let down with you.

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Maybe I am just not the girl people fall in love with.

I can easily say I have never had a relationship were I just felt comfortable in, or felt like the feelings in it were one hundred percent mutual and I didn’t have to feel like I needed to put extra effort into it to keep it going. No, I will not sit here and blame the whole male race for “sucking” or anything like that. I know for a fact that good men do exist I won’t ever be THAT girl. The girl who always prances around saying “Oh, there just isn’t good men out there” or “I don’t see why I am single I am a catch and a half”. That’s just simply not my thing, I for one know I can be a pain in the ass in a relationship I won’t lie. I get jealous, I worry, and I might seem clingy, but when I say I have the best intentions, I mean it. As much as I know I am a great person, I don’t think people stick around to really see it. They get what they want from me, whatever it may be, and they leave. Maybe I should put a wall up, just a little. Maybe I let people into my heart before they earn their spot there. Maybe I am emotionally easy. I AM A EMOTIONAL SLUT. I give my feelings up too soon. Hahah. I just coined a new phrase, awww shit. No but back to what I was originally saying, I think that’s why I don’t ever get the date or the man/girl. I don’t put up a hard enough challenge. I just don’t know how to be “challenging” cause I am sure honest and blunt in every since of my being that it would almost feel hypocritical to hold back. Like I’d be lying. Don’t get me wrong, I am not ranting cause I am bitter I am alone. Being alone taught me a lot about myself. I am also not the single girl who’s life revolves around finding the one, cause I really am very patient over this all. I rather wait years for the right one, than chase down every guy I see like who might we name? *cough* Taylor Swift *cough*. I sort of feel bad for her, I really do. As insecure and emotional wreck I am, I can easily say I am not insecure enough where I NEED that other person by my side. So when girls like her come around I feel bad cause you have to feel so bad being on your own you are constantly chasing down Prince Charming in every male that looks your way even if they clearly don’t deserve any of your time. I don’t know where I am going with this post, so I’ll end it here. I just am trying to figure out what I have to tweak about myself to make me the girl people want to bring home to momma.